Mental Health Matters

Hello,

I am writing to you after quite a long time. As you can probably tell by the title, I’m going to write about mental health. Specifically, my own. TRIGGER WARNING: SUICIDAL IDEATION AND PLANS

I was recently admitted to a psychiatric ward in a hospital near where I live. I went in voluntarily, as I was feeling quite suicidal. I wanted to die very badly the night before I went in, and it subsided the next day but then re-entered my mind even more strongly the next day. I don’t know how many of you have experienced suicidal thoughts or plans, but its super scary. I knew somewhere inside of me I didn’t truly want to die, but every other part of me was saying I did. I think the scariest moment of this last depressive episode was when I tried to grab a knife. I’ve never practiced any self-harm ever, and so this was a sign I was not doing well.

So I got admitted after several hours of waiting in the Emergency department. Thankfully, they did admit me because I was fearing for my safety. One time I went to a hospital and they did not admit me, which was really hard and I don’t ever want to go back there. But back to the point, I was admitted. I stayed on a unit with some mildly symptomatic people. I won’t go into any details about them cuz HIPPA, but I will say that they were all very supportive and helpful. There was one guy especially who I resonated with, and I wish I could have stayed in touch with him honestly. He was so kind.

So why am I saying all this really? I bet you might be wondering that. Well. I’m actually practicing a therapeutic skill by sharing this information with you. That skill is called “opposite action”. So basically, I’m acting oppositely to the shame I feel about being back in the hospital.

I went to church right after I got out of the hospital, well, on the following Sunday morning. And of course, they are talking about going through hard stuff. Like Jonah being swallowed by a whale hard stuff. I related to that. A lot. I felt like I was just barely living. I felt as though I was going to die before going in to the hospital, and that there was no hope left. So yeah, I related to hearing about Jonah losing almost all hope in the belly of a whale.

But the hardest part of being there? It was knowing that so many people in that congregation knew where I had been. They knew I was suffering. They knew I was struggling to stay happy and even alive. And suddenly I felt so ashamed. These people have been nothing but kind and supportive, I felt like I was letting them down by not staying healthy. It seems silly writing it, but that is how I felt. I felt ashamed that I needed so much help. Shouldn’t I be depending on God for my strength, peace, and happiness? Christianity seems to tell me that. I started to feel like I wasn’t good enough, I was failing God. I thought I was failing my church.

So back to the opposite action. I am sharing what is making me feel so ashamed. In hopes that I will realize, I had no reason to be ashamed in the first place. My church doesn’t judge me. They don’t think I’m any less of a child of God for needing some extra help. At least that is my hope. If they do think that way, I need a new church.

Depression is hard. Society shames depression and mental illness. And you know why? It’s probably just because society DOESN’T UNDERSTAND. Only people who truly experience it or really study it seem to understand what I go through. The hardest part for me about depression is not understanding it. I don’t know why I’m depressed. In some people’s eyes, I have no reason to be. But let me tell you, depression doesn’t actually NEED a reason. It just exists. I have a chemical imbalance in my brain, that makes me more sad, or makes it harder for me to be happy. So no. I shouldn’t be ashamed of my condition. It is not my fault. And I am strong for asking for help when I need it. It takes a lot to admit that you need help. Especially for someone like me who is used to helping others.

The goal of this post, is not to get a bunch of pity. It’s not to say I’m better than anyone for asking for help. Hell, it’s not even necessarily to bring awareness to these issues. I am simply posting to try to get rid of my shame. Because the more I share my story, the more I will realize I am not alone, and I don’t have to be ashamed.

If you are going through some stuff, please know that I care. YOU MATTER. MENTAL HEALTH MATTERS. So don’t let society tell you otherwise.

Love,
Chloe