For those of you who know me, you know (hopefully anyway!) that I am a very loving person, who also longs to be loved. God gave me a big heart, and I am more than willing to give that whole heart to someone. I long to get married one day to a godly man, and have children who I can raise to hopefully share my love of Christ.
So is any of this actually bad? Well no…it’s not. These can all be wonderful things. But the devil has let me take them too far. He has let me lust after love, with it being more desiring to my soul than God himself. THAT is the bad part. God should be my number one love and priority, not finding a life partner. As much as I want that, Satan has let me believe that finding it will be better than enjoying my life now while I’m single.
So. There’s the problem. What’s the solution you might ask? Well. I hope that after talking with some of my good friends, my parents, and even the last guy that ditched me, I need to just focus my thoughts and energy on loving God and loving myself. Not searching desperately on dating apps and finding possible bachelors everywhere I go. So here I am God, show me what to do next. How can I love you more deeply and see the world and myself through your eyes?
This is really hard guys. It’s been maybe a day since I decided to do this. I don’t really love myself. That’s definitely a problem. I can appreciate myself, but love myself? I usually leave that to God and my family. So this new lifestyle of not searching for love is already taking a toll on me. This doesn’t mean I will close myself off from males. I will talk to them, be their sister in Christ, be their friends. If someone comes along that God wants me to be with I will know. But right now I just need to be patient.
Pursuing God isn’t necessarily hard. It just takes some hard work. It takes effort. I can’t choose netflix and stupid video games to fill my time. I need to choose my bible study, my small group of accountability partners, reading my bible on my own, prayer. And not only do I need to choose these things, I need to want to! God WANTS me to love him. He did not give me freewill just so religion can force me to spend time with him. No. I should love the limitless amounts of time I can spend with him until we are together in eternity.
The reason all of this is so hard, is probably because I haven’t been just single for a very long time. Since I started high school, I have always been dating someone. There have been a few months or weeks where I wouldn’t be with someone but that’s it. Which is unfortunate. Granted, none of those relationships were healthy and pleasing to God, but I always still wanted more. I wanted to feel loved and wanted by someone. So now I have to take time and try to love myself and remember how much God loves me. I need to know that my worth can’t be found in other people, but only in Christ.
And with that my journey begins. After reading an article my friend sent me, I feel more ready to tackle this challenge. Please please dear friends and family, help hold me accountable to waiting for the right person, and waiting until I am truly ready to pursue God and a man.