Isn’t It Romantic

Hello,

I am writing again! This is amazing for me considering I just wrote something yesterday.

So today I saw “Isn’t it Romantic” starring Rebel Wilson. First of all, SPOILERS ahead.

It was an amazing movie, and I loved that Rebel, a larger woman, was the star of a Rom-com. I hate to be that way but honestly, does it ever really happen that way? No, it doesn’t. Hollywood kinda sucks with diversity. So here we are, a rom-com with a plus sized woman, which was already giving me some hopefulness. (Let me clarify, not hopeful that I will star in a rom-com, but that I can also be loved at my size. I’m not the biggest person, but I am obese according to my doctors) So I loved this movie for that aspect.

It’s a pretty great movie and not what I expected. The whole time I’m like, oh yeah, she’s going to realize she should be with her best friend, not the handsome rich guy, blah blah typical movie. But no!! In the end, she starts to crash her best friends wedding, but realizes while she is that she is not just in love with her friend (finally amiright) but that she loves HERSELF. let me reiterate. One more time for you: SHE FINALLY LOVED HERSELF!!!!

Now why is this so amazing to be in a movie about love? BECAUSE FOR ONCE WE ARE REALIZING HOW IMPORTANT SELF LOVE IS. And you know why else???? CUZ THIS IS SOMETHING I SPECIFICALLY HAVE STRUGGLED WITH FOR A GOOD PORTION OF MY LIFE.

So of course, she does end up with her best friend but she also states at the end that SHE fulfills her life, not him. NOT HIM!!! Do you know how dependent I am on other people and how much that struck me??? I wanted so bad to feel the same way as her. I don’t want to rely on my boyfriend to make me happy the rest of myself.  I want to make ME happy the rest of my life. Okay me and Jesus, cuz he’s the only one that can truly fill me up. BUT SERIOUSLY SELF LOVE YOU GUYS I WANT THAT.

So now I have a new therapy goal. Not only do I want to feel less suicidal, happier in general, and less anxious overall, but I want to finally learn how to TRULY LOVE MYSELF. Because that is so important. Yes I give my love away to others like crazy right now, but I want to turn some of that love over to myself. Because THAT is how I will truly be happier. Thanks guys for reading! More blogs to come my friends!!!!!

 

My journey to a healthy life

Well,

Today is a new day. I wanted to write about what I’ve been doing lately to try to stay healthy.

It all started with a severe lack of energy. I really hated being tired every single day all day long, so I finally consulted my doctor about it. And of course, when they first started testing me for things, everything was normal. They decided to send me to a sleep specialist.

So I see the sleep specialist, who then tells me what’s wrong with me is basically I have poor sleep hygiene and a wacky biological clock. So we need to fix that. He then sends me to a sleep psychologist.

So I see that guy. And he tells me the same thing, but gives me practical ideas on how to fix those things. He reminds me how to improve my sleep hygiene, and sets me up with a sleep schedule. I started to use it, got sick, and stopped using it. My goal is to get back to using it again, but I have more stories to tell first.

Second to my journey of being healthier, and also helping with energy levels is exercise. I joined a class specifically about exercising and eating healthy to lose weight. This class was going great and I was really proud of myself for keeping a food log and exercise log. I need to get back to doing that as well.

Then my friends, everything was going pretty well. Until it all went to shit.

So I started reading this great book about relationships right? I love it so far, its called Eight dates, and each date has certain activities you should do and conversations to have. Then it reminds me that relationships are built on honesty and trust. That’s when I remember I had been hiding something from Will (my boyfriend of 6 months). I love him so much, but I had screwed up big time. I finally told him. But….I did it over text. First mistake. The second mistake was doing this while I was at work. I then started to cry, and my client was getting worried. I finally stepped away briefly to call Will. He was understandably pretty upset. That was the third mistake. I just became worse. I started to loathe myself and wish I was dead. I then told him this. That part though, not a mistake. [Side note: It is SO IMPORTANT TO SPEAK UP IF YOU ARE IN A CRISIS LIKE THIS] I, of course, had to finish my shift, so I did. I still cried, and still worried my client, but I finished the shift. Finally the shift was over and I had decided to go to a hospital. My boyfriend picked me up from a nearby gas station, and drove me to the ER.

So life was going okay, I was finally starting to get healthy then BAM mental health crisis time. I hate this about myself. I hate that I suffer from mental illnesses. I hate that they seem to control my life. I hate that I don’t even enjoy my life.  I hate it. I wanted to die. So they did finally admit me to an observation unit for mental health, and discharged me the next day with plans to send me to outpatient partial hospitalization.

This all happened very recently. I have now started the partial program, and although I fell asleep in one session my first day, I have made it through the second day with a lot of hope for my future.

So my plan didn’t go exactly as I expected it to for being healthy but I am now on a 3 week journey to mental stability and wellness. I also hope to continue to reach my sleep and exercise goals. However, I realize some of that may take more time and may need to be prioritized later. I am very hopeful that this program will help me to feel better, and if anything at least stop feeling suicidal, (which I already am feeling less suicidal.)

The next steps are to continue to do my homework and work through my partial program. I also wish to start a happiness project, based off of the one I am reading in a book (its called the happiness project and so far its a great read). I don’t know when my project should start, but I hope to do that soon. Maybe right after or during my program. Who knows? I have to live day by day right now and hope for the best. I know my future is bright.

I am overwhelmed by the amount of support and love I’m receiving since my facebook updates. If you have read those, there is not much point in reading this by the way. Its just a long summary of my most recent life updates. I do hope however to be blogging more about my wellness journey. Maybe I can blog every day. Who knows? As I said, I’m living day by day right now. Thanks for reading guys, and I wish you happiness and health.

 

Much Love Always,

Chloe