So as some of you may already know from reading my last blog post, I am currently in the process of changing colleges within the university I attend. Most of the requirements were pretty typical, there are certain classes I need to take and certain GPA requirements. The last requirement however surprised me. I have been asked to write a personal statement. It should be telling the College who I am as a person, what my goals and dreams are and how my preferred major fits into those goals and dreams.
So here we are back at the goals and dreams topic. And I’ll tell you again, this is not something I think about a lot. I only really think about my goals and dreams when I am asked to. I have been asked that during recovery for mental health, in school since I was a child for random and various reasons, and occasionally by someone I recently met, trying to learn more about me.
Here we are again at that ridiculously hard question, for me anyway.
Who am I?
What are my goals and dreams?
Why are these such hard questions for me??
I’ve also mentioned before, I have learned a little bit about my strengths this year in college. And although I don’t believe taking that test defines what I can and cannot do (and that’s not the point of it anyway) I do agree with my results that were given to me. And most of these strengths focus on other people. Actually, I just learned recently during a leadership training that 3/5 of my strengths are in the relationship building category. It’s funny, that seemed ironic to me at first, I never saw myself in high school as a very sociable person. I was just nice to everyone, or tried my best to be, and talked to those around me everyday. Now I’m not saying I had no friends but I didn’t consider very many people to be my close friends. Anyway here are my strengths, as my CA displayed on my doorway this year in school:
See how none of those really relate to me? Restorative: building others up. Empathy: taking on the feelings of others and relating to them. Developer: Also similar to building people up, helping people discover their potential. Harmony: trying to keep the peace and make everyone happy. Input: taking into account others opinion’s to better myself in some way.
NONE of these strengths really focus on me. Which is probably why its a much better fit for me to be in a college centered on Human Development. So yeah back to the point now (sorry for the slight tangent) being futuristic (which is one of the other strengths in the test) or even focusing on myself is not one of my strengths, its not in my instincts to focus on myself. It’s my natural state to focus on others and try to make the best of other people’s situations.
So who am I? I guess that has sort of been answered. I am a helper. I try my hardest to make others happy and welcome and comfortable. It’s what I do. Recently anyway, I’m not so sure I was always trying to help as a child. But the real question is WHY am I this person? Why am I so passionate about making others feel happy?
I think its because of my own experiences. I have suffered with depression and probably some sort of anxiety since around the age of 10 or 11. Pretty early in life. I know what it is like to feel hopeless, and helpless, and miserable for some unknown reason. I know what it feels like to fight to get out of bed in the morning, not because I’m just tired but because its too hard to even face the world each day. I know what it is like to feel completely alone, even surrounded by those who love me. I know what it feels like to question my own existence on this earth and what the point of this miserable life could possibly be. And I NEVER would wish any of those things on anyone. I don’t want people to want to hide from the world and avoid everything life has to offer. I want others to feel the peace and happiness I have found at times in my life when things were okay, they were good even. I want people to see the good in life and not the bad. So I guess thats why I am this way.
I think through all this I may have even answered my goals question. What are my goals? To help people. To be a positive influence to others. When it comes to specifics, I don’t really have any. Yes my desired major is Kinesiology. My desired career right now is Occupational Therapy, because those people have helped me, and I want to do the same for others. But did I have a specific career in mind my whole life? Do I have a dream home planned out, a dream wedding, a dream husband figure painted in my mind, a dream family, a dream life? No. I never have. I don’t know if I ever will. I desire a wedding, a home, a husband, a family, and a career that will potentially make me happy. But I don’t need any of those things. And I certainly don’t want to waste time trying to plan out everything that my life could be. I want to take it one day at a time. I’ve been much happier that way. Planning and projecting just scares me. The future often scares me if I think too much about it. That’s my anxiety kicking in and invading my thoughts, but regardless, I’m quite satisfied seeing where life leads me.
So although I agree it can be important to have goals and dreams for my future, I also believe that my future should not be mapped out by myself. I don’t need to plan for everything. It’s important to plan, but isn’t spontaneity important too? I am going to sit here and enjoy the life God has given me, and see where He leads me. I am going to plan for things that need planning, and let life happen for the rest of it. I’m going to continue to be curious and ask questions, and learn new things every day about the world and about myself. I am going to continue to discover what my goals and dreams are, because honestly they might change as I grow. They have before, doesn’t every girl go through the phase of just wanting to be a princess?
Who am I?
Honestly, I don’t completely know. I’m still trying to figure that out. I don’t know exactly what I want, but I know that I’ll find it someday. And I think I’m getting closer to the end goal every day.
The end goal for my life on earth? Who knows.
The end goal for my life? Eternity with Christ. He knows who I am. He loves who I am. And that’s all that really matters right?
Thanks for listening to my slightly crazy slightly jumbled thoughts for today 🙂